One of the beliefs that is influencing more divorces nowadays, in my opinion, is believing that marriage is all about your happiness. This is the perfect message directed toward us millennials and our idea that everything should be about us. Today, we have more “self” messages than anything else: self-love, self-care, self-confidence, self-sufficiency, etc. They all matter, but they can also harbor an unhealthy amount of selfishness if not applied correctly and with humility. (For example, people who turn self-confidence into arrogance and self-sufficiency into greed) WHEN YOU HEAR “Self” OFTEN ENOUGH, IT BECOMES HARD TO INCORPORATE SOMEONE ELSE.
Marriage is first about commitment, sacrifice, selflessness, forgiveness, consistency, and a few other things, before your happiness.
Really? Yes! Marriage is about how much you are willing to give rather than receive. Happiness is a temporary state in which many of us find it hard to exist without the act of receiving. This is why people like me say you must be happy enough with yourself before you get into a marriage, and you must love yourself enough before you fall deeply in love. True, it does sound like another “self-message,” but it’s more about preparation. It’s about understanding that your tank should be full enough to operate alongside someone else, instead of expecting it to be about you and how they can fill your tank first. It actually prepares you for when things aren’t about you. Your tank must have enough for the ride, or the marriage isn’t going anywhere. Marriage is two people staying committed while practicing love as a choice. YOUR HAPPINESS STILL MATTERS OF COURSE, BECAUSE LOVE ISN’T ABOUT MISERY. However, no one will stay committed if happiness alone orders their steps. Happiness isn’t going to be an everyday thing! This is why many find themselves miserable thinking that life is constantly chasing happiness. But here’s the truth: Happiness will always come and go. When it’s there, you enjoy every bit of it. When it’s not there, you make sure you have peace enough to live through that phase.
When it comes to loving someone else when the happiness isn’t there, when the love isn’t in every corner, it’s easy to become stuck because it’s hard. “Till death do us part” starts to sound like a silly idea when the unhappiness alone is about to end everything. Commitment will remind you why it is worth it. Understand that love is a choice that will help you through the hard time, sacrifice will help you find out what is needed on your end to keep the boat from sinking, forgiveness will gift you the patience needed as you both figure things out, and consistency will give you the strength to persevere while fighting. Power couples are those who endure the tough times, the unhappy times, and everything in between. If your happiness is what you value the most, you won’t be able to handle hard times like they do because the burden of protecting it will be too much on you. You definitely can’t help your partner through those times, when marriage requires one to put out this fire, the other to put out that fire, and for both to take turns carrying the other even when they don’t feel like it. When it’s all about your happiness, you have no reason to sit down and communicate, forgive, and do what’s necessary to stay committed because the conversation will always be “I’m not happy,” instead of, “What can we do to fix this?”
As someone who is married, I could’ve left my wife a while back if it was about my happiness, and she could’ve left me. My wife entered a phase as a stay-at-home mom where she wasn’t happy, and I didn’t know how to help her. She definitely could’ve left, but no, we constantly communicated about it. As a Christian, I always encouraged her to fight through it in the spiritual realm as well, and I just continued loving her as she figured it out. We overcame that trial eventually and it wasn’t easy, but I was committed to loving her despite the times I couldn’t understand it. Now, PLEASE don’t misconstrue my message and think I am preaching the old message of staying loyal even when it’s a field of misery. What I’m saying is that it’s about learning how much you both can love each other, and not about how much love you both can pull from each other. When you believe the first way, it lasts, because you’re more concerned about each other’s happiness and you’ve learned to maintain your own. Running from the problems is always the last resort, not the first.
Pierre Jeanty Blogs 